I would like to think I had a great night last night. Whew! Where did it begin? Right…
First, I was shopping for underwear and t-shirts, as I chatted on the phone with my girl Sarah. Warning, I am about to get girly. The Gap’s Ultra Low Cotton and Lace Thong is my answer to underwear heaven and I found a bunch on sale, so went a little crazy and bought 10 pairs. I didn’t stop there, as I found a plain black tee and a striped tee on the sale table, so I got those too. Sarah and I got off the phone, then I got a call from my LA-based friend, Lesley. She and I had a nice long talk about life as I continued at The Gap and even moved on to Banana Republic. I told Lesley about the recent ups and downs in my life and heard about how her life is coming together. I am so happy she has found so much peace within herself. Dear me, am I getting sentimental? Today Lesley is strong, believes in herself and has found happiness. Talking with Lesley about her life and mine helped me think about what is going on with me. It helped me examine my own hang ups, insecurities and helped me feel grounded.
Alright…this post is very personal and emotional, so please read with kindness in your heart. I am only human and trying to explore who I am.
During the last year I have thinking a lot about who I am and what I want in life. I have realized several times I am not ready to be in a relationship, as I still have so many emotional issues going on within me. Don’t we all? A co-worker recently encouraged me to read a book called Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. The book talks about Dr. Weiss’s therapy sessions with a woman he puts under hypnosis to discover her past lives. Part of me views the book as a piece of fiction, but for me, it hasn’t been important to decide if I believe in reincarnation or not. This book makes me want to overcome my weaknesses, understand myself and listen to what my mind is already telling me. This ties into my conversation last night with Lesley, as she has found happiness through everything she has expereienced in her life. No, she is not done living and exploring herself, but I think she is on a path. I feel like I’ve gotten off that path. It isn’t important to know when I got off the path, but to explore the patterns in my life and see if I can change my behavior to be a better person and in turn find happiness. Maybe this is all just crazy talk, but I think it is worth a shot. After the revelations and delight I found in Banana Republic, I jumped on the subway to head home. My hands were full of shopping bags and my mind open.
I came home, and munched on Greenmarket carrot sticks, Tibetian farmer celery sticks with almond butter, pistachios, braised daikon radish with radish greens and opened a bottle of my table red wine of the moment. I continued my conversation with Lesley, fueled by the wine, I started to think about where I was looking for happiness (men, alcohol, socializing) and where I’d found happiness before (solitary walks, wandering my city, taking photographs). I also verbalized what I’ve always known, that if I am ever going to be happy, it is not going to be because of someone else, it’ll be a happiness I find within myself. Also, if I am ever going to be ready to be in another relationship, I am going to have to be myself and be strong to maintain myself in order to find happiness. I need to sort through all of my baggage in order to let the right person into my life. If I am still unhappy and dealing with my issues, even if a great person comes into my life, I won’t be able to be with them, as I’ll still have too much clutter in my life. That makes sense to me.
After my conversation with Lesley, I bottled up the rest of my wine to-go and jumped on the subway to go see my co-worker’s (Patrick) improv show in a group called Bad Data. I like taking the subway by myself, doing my own thing, which last night consisted of bopping my head along to the music as I stared at an Asian skater guy with a year of the monkey themed skateboard. Fun! I walked through Chelsea, past all of the women in heels and men in collared shirts. I sat alone, next to two guys who were also there alone, and watched the show. It was funny, I found myself laughing, drinking my red wine and enjoying the honestly revealing nature of improvosational acting. I really, really liked the group Holy Moly. Shh, don’t tell Patrick and his girlfriend Kim. They were good too, better than the headlining group, Bombardo. After the show I said a quick hello to Kim and talked a bit to Patrick. I felt Patrick was uncomfortable trying to say hello to everyone, especially because it was so crowded. I decided I didn’t really want to tag along, so I lied and said I had to meet a friend before leaving. I was a tipsy from drinking a bottle of wine on my own, but decided since it was only 11:30 to walk to First Avenue and 14th Street. I walked through Union Square, listening to my iPod, tapping my foot to the music when I stopped at red lights. I jumped off of stairs and elevated street corner curbs, taking joy in the movement. It was fun. I took the subway one stop and got off early to walk home from Bedford Avenue. It was dark, so I decided to quietly sing along to my music. I had a great time, just doing what felt good to me in the moment, not hurting anyone else or interacting with anyone else. When I got home, I was aware of my drunken state and instead of heading to the kitchen to eat, I had a little solo playtime. I then took a shower and went to bed, happy with life and a little drunk from the wine.
This morning I woke up at 6:40 AM, I couldn’t quite figure out why I was up so early, so I went to the bathroom before crawling back into bed. Fall is finally here and my bed was cold, my ice cube-like toes and light nightdown were covered in my dusty blue down comforter. As a matter of fact, they still are. I lay in bed, trying to fall back asleep, but found myself chilled to the bone and an excitement for fall brewing in my head. I snuggled up with Dr. Weiss’s book and became a little tired, so I put the book down and tried to sleep again. This time I found myself half asleep thinking about my recent past. I wished my ex-boyfriend was in bed with me, snuggling up to my back, reaching around to hold me close and keep me warm. I thought about how his naturally husky size complemented my tall, curvy frame. I remembered his description of his HK Nike office fan club, who thought he was a hunk. I had always thought he was attractive, since I was 15 and only after we broke up did I learn that not many of my friends agreed with my perception of him. My mind then moved on to the next man I became involved with, a long time friend. I had always had a crush on him and feel badly to myself and to him for having wasted our friendship in a moment of desire. I thought about how I’d loved what he’d given me, but didn’t recognize it’s impact on me until he’d left our romantic endeavor. I will always wish I’d been better to him, repected our friendship a little more and shown him the love I am capable of giving. I have been inspired to write him an email of apology and suddenly found my head filled with ideas of what to say. That is when I got out of bed, made tea and coffee, washed the dishes and jumped into bed with my laptop to write him. I resided to just write my thoughts out and work on a final draft later. Sarah has discouraged me from writing any sort of apology. I think she has a point, it has been a year since our formal relationship ended and several months since he and I spoke intimately. Bringing up the past, expressing true emotions is dangerous and could back fire. If I am looking to rebuild a friendship with him, maybe denial is the best option and my email to him should be friendly. My dear friend Heather is a balls-out sort of girl and always puts it all out there, being truthful about what she needs to say. She has encouraged me to write him an honest email with my feelings, as I need to say them and see what happens. I agree that I need to say sorry, for my own benefit. I want the apology to be for him, but it is my assumption that an apology needs to be made, because I feel badly for my actions. In the end I hope to find a happy middle-ground between the two extremes. I want him to know how wonderful I think it is that he is pursueing his passion and I hope he finds success. I also want him to know that although I want a friendship, just a friendship, with him, I need to apologize for how badly I feel for complicating things in our friendship. I felt his efforts to normalize things and I couldn’t go there with him at that time. In the end I want to be his friend, but I also know it is a risk in bringing up the past and showing that I still have emotional baggage from our brief romantic endeavor. He taught me so much about how I want to be loved and showed me so much kindness, that I think you can only get from having friendship be the most important part of a relationship.
So that brings us to here, where I am now. My goal in my email of apology is to re-evaluate what I have done in the last year. Tie up my loose ends, things I have been caring with me. It is entirely selfish, but it feels right and I think in the long run it is what is best. I would like for certain people to know they are important to me and I wish good things for them and I am sorry for any meanness I put upon them. I need to let go and feel like I’ve balanced what I took from them, as I need to give closure in return.
Whew. I guess I got gushy. However, now is the moment for this rara avis to breathe.
October 13, 2007...3:21 pm
Rara Breathe
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